Amy Winehouse - Vulnerability Friend and Foe

Inevitably, most of the British press sank to the occasion with some pitiful coverage of Amy Winehouse’s death. So it was rather refreshing to Andrei Harmsworth’s more balanced, complementary article in the metro.

Like Andrei, instead of focusing on Amy’s addictions, I want to pay tribute to Amy’s multi-faceted personality and the powerfulness of her vulnerability which attracted fans in their millions. But before I begin I want to share what inspired me to write this short piece. Last weekend, as I was already in Camden collecting my recently lost cat’s do not feed me collar, I felt the urge to visit Amy’s House. On arrival at Camden Square, I was sadly greeted by empty bottles of cider and vodka snuggling up to stunning flowers and moving messages. I was really sickened by this idealisation of alcohol, the demon which may infact have killed Amy. This together with my disillusionment towards the media prompted me to channel my anger and disappointment in a more positive and meaningful way. I want to celebrate the best things about Amy in particular her fragility and vulnerability.

The dictionary defines ‘vulnerable’ as: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage.

As human beings we are born entirely helpless, unable to do anything for ourselves. The vulnerable child we are born as remains within us our entire lives.

Every creative knows, like it or not, that they must access that place of vulnerability, or authenticity because that’s where their most powerful stories are.

DH Lawrence puts it well:
"Dare I come into touch? For this is further than death. I have dared to let them lay hands on me and put me to death. But dare I come into this tender touch of life? Oh this is harder…….."

We live in a culture where vulnerability is generally ridiculed, abused, medicated and repressed, contrarily, the most popular actors, poets, writers and musicians are usually those similar to Amy who have courageously revealed their souls to all. Likewise, when I question my clients in the consultation room and my friends outside why they love their partners or what they admire in others the majority often respond:

"I really admire their honesty, openness and vulnerability"

So why are we so afraid to disclose our own vulnerabilities?

Most of us avoid displaying our vulnerability at all costs because we are afraid of the potential pain of being hurt. As a result, we go to extraordinary lengths to protect ourselves: we build walls, hide, create masks, isolate ourselves or tragically, as with Amy, we resort to substances to numb us and protect us or distractions such as gambling and shopping.

Brene Brown a leading research professor at the University of Houston has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Her "power of vulnerability" talk is incredibly moving and inspiring and well worth taking time to watch.

Below are the key insights from Brene’s talk that resonated and touched my heart:

• Life’s a mess so most of us want to organise and put it into a bento box.



• We are hard wired for connection which gives us sense of why we are here and what gives meaning and purpose to life. In order for connection to happen we need to be vulnerable and seen.



• Let go of who we should be.



• By numbing vulnerability we also numb love, because, as she says: "Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love."



• To love with our whole heart though no guarantees.



• To believe that we are enough.

She also talks about wholehearted and authentic people that are able to embrace vulnerability and how this provides a route to joy, happiness and fulfilment. They can be deeply seen by others. They don’t expect perfection or others to be perfect and they don’t pretend they are perfect.

So Amy I just want to end by saying thank you for not being perfect and for not pretending in your lyrics and most of all for courageously wearing your heart on your sleeve whilst on stage to give us a brief snapshot of your vulnerable world. It’s just a pity that though you expressed your vulnerability so eloquently in your work and on stage, that you often struggled and found it too overwhelming on a day to day level.

Listening to Back to Black and Love is a Losing Game... brings tears to my eyes... We all have demons the only difference between any of us and Amy is how we handle those demons.

Her friend and fellow British singer Lily Allen once had this to say about her:
"I know Amy Winehouse very well. And she is very different to what people portray her as being. Yes, she does get out of her mind on drugs sometimes, but she is also a very clever, intelligent, witty, funny person who can hold it together. You just don't see that side."

The duality of man generally refers to the two opposing sides of the nature of man, for example, good and evil, vulnerable and invulnerable. This is a common thread throughout the history of art, religion and can be seen in history in characters such as Jekyll and Hyde. In Amy’s case, it may have been her lack of awareness of man’s duality and inner contrasts that led to her frequent uncontrolled outbursts off stage. The aim of psychotherapy is to look more deeply at our dualities and inner conflicts and to help create a new future that is not driven by old coping strategies and repetitive patterns of behaviour.

Recent Studies also indicate Better Health Due To Cancer Counselling

I recently attended a series of training sessions hosted by Macmillan Cancer Support. Not only did I expand my knowledge of cancer, as a cancer counselling specialist, but I was also very privileged to be amongst, cancer patient, course participants who courageously shared their cancer journey experiences.

When I enquired about their views reagrding counselling it was heartening to hear them all describe how invaluable counselling had proven during their most difficult stages.

Encouragingly Recent Studies also support this view indicating Better Health Due To Cancer Counselling

Dyslexia

I was very sad and disheartened to read the recent article ‘Dyslexic Boy failed by the system’ below in the Evening Standard:

"A mother claims today that her 10-year-old son has been left with a reading age of four after being failed by his school, teachers and council.

Like most dyslexics the boy is gifted artistically and has a photographic memory. But he is also "severely dyslexic" and has progressed "just one month in five years" after being refused the extra help he needs".

Judging by his quote below sounds like Winston Churchill a fellow dyslexic had a similar experience at school:

"I was, on the whole, considerably discouraged by my school days. It was not pleasant to feel oneself so completely outclassed and left behind at the beginning of the race."

My views in a nutshell

My philosophy is that all people have an enormous capacity for living creatively, lovingly and joyfully which is often untapped or repressed in our society. This tragic story is a typical example of a gifted individual failed by system!!!!

As a Consultant Integrative Psychotherapist specialising in counselling for dyslexic clients, I witness first hand how these gifted children often develop into under confident adults. Why do Education Ministers and Policymakers continue to develop policies not taking into account that, like everyone, these children are unique and so have a preferred learning style? Through identifying learning styles, you are able to capitalise on an individual’s strengths and improve self-advocacy skills. School education methods, particular to an individual allow that individual to learn best. Knowing and understanding our learning style helps us to learn more effectively.

There is also direct relationship between education and health — better educated individuals have more positive health outcomes.

Despite this, the good news is that if dyslexics are natural self starters, have strong encouraging role models and live in a thriving home environment they can achieve very successful careers as adults.

Famous people with the gift of dyslexia include:

Sir Richard Branson
Pablo Picasso
Leonardo Da Vinci
Andy Warhol
Keanu Reeves
Kiera Knightley
Dr. Peter Lovatt
Dr. James Lovelock
Albert Einstein
Thomas Edison
George Patton
Nigel Kennedy
John Lennon

A few book recommendations:

The Gift of Dyslexia

Practical Strategies for Living with Dyslexia

Dyslexia: A Parents' Survival Guide

Tom's Special Talent – Dyslexia

The Dyslexic Adult in a Non-dyslexic World

The Dyslexic Adult: Interventions and Outcomes - An Evidence-based Approach


Some Organisations

Xtraordinary People

British Dyslexia Association

Dyslexia Action

Springboard for children

White Space

The Dyslexia SpLD Trust

Mike Leigh Another Year Film Premiere

Only eight days until I attend the Another Year Film Premiere and once again meet the delightful Mike Leigh!!!

Nominated for the Palme d'Or award award at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival, a brilliant ensemble and resonant script make Another Year one of Mike Leigh's best films.

The film unfolds over four seasons, an accumulation of encounters and largely minor events that emphasize Leigh’s ingenuity in taking the essence of daily life and transforming it into something resonant and meaningful. Not too dissimilar, to the skills used by psychotherapists, like myself, to interpret their clients’ experiences and narratives in the consultation room. Following an "accumulation of encounters" I was rather excitedly chauffeur driven to the Another Year film set to advise Mike and his cast on the authenticity of this remarkable film narrative involving counselling in September 2009. See http://www.bfi.org.uk/lff/news/1192

Self esteem

What is self-esteem?

Some people think that self-esteem means confidence - and confidence comes into it - but it's rather more than that.

There are any number of apparently confident people who can do marvellous things but who have poor self-esteem.

Many people in the public eye fall into this category. Actors, comedians and singers in particular can glow with assurance on stage, yet off-stage feel desperately insecure.

Think of the late Princess of Wales or Marilyn Monroe and you'll see that public adulation is no guarantee of self-belief.

The word 'esteem' comes from a Latin word that means 'to estimate'. Self-esteem is how you estimate yourself.

To do that, you need to ask yourself certain questions.

Do I like myself?
Do I think I'm a good human being?
Am I someone deserving of love?
Do I deserve happiness?
Do I feel deep down that I'm an okay person?
People with low self-esteem find it hard to answer yes to these questions. Perhaps you are one of them. If so, what can you do?

How can you improve your self-esteem?
You can begin by accepting that you are certainly not alone. Masses of people have this problem.
Secondly, take on board the fact you are a wonderful, special person - and there is no one quite like you.

Not only are your fingerprints and DNA different from everyone else's (unless you have an identical twin), but your mind and how it thinks and operates is totally your own.This means that out of six billion people in the world, you are a one-off. So if nature has bothered to make you unique, don't you feel you should accept that you're important, and that you have as much right as anyone else to be on this planet?

You have other rights, too. One of them is the right to make mistakes. Don't forget that 'to err is human' and most of us learn through getting things wrong before we get them right.

Furthermore, we have the right to respect ourselves - and to be respected. Finally, and perhaps most important of all, we have the right to say yes or no for ourselves.

Put behaviour in perspective

It's not healthy to condemn ourselves because of one aspect of our behaviour.Sometimes we feel we are 'no good' because we have failed an exam or lost a job, or we have been unkind or because we are having an affair.

All of us have many aspects to our personalities, and our current behaviour is just one of those aspects.

Try not to believe that the whole of you is hopeless, unkind or a failure, when really it is just one part of your behaviour that may - or may not - be these things.

Halt destructive thoughts

Many people with poor self-esteem think they're not very important and their views carry no weight. Is this you?

If so, try to stop these destructive thoughts because if you go around believing them, you'll encourage other people to believe them too. Instead, start thinking of yourself as someone who has rights, opinions and ideas that are just as valid as anyone else's. This will help you to improve your self-esteem.

Techniques to improve self-esteem
Low self esteem feeds on negative thoughts so Don't indulge in self criticism. Why are you waging war against yourself? Get to know your negative self talk and silence your inner judge/inner critic.

You can choose to please yourself It is good to you care about other's feelings but aren't your needs just as important? Don't neglect yourself!

Don't try to be like someone else. This leads to lack of self worth and confidence. You are unique and you cannot be someone else. Strive to improve but don't criticise yourself for not being as successful, beautiful, slim or as popular as someone else.

Take life and yourself less seriously. Failure just means you are not successful YET.

Everybody fails before succeeding, don't look on it as failure but as a means to learning. Perhaps you just need a change of direction. Problems make you stronger if you strive to overcome them.

Self worth, confidence and assuredness increase when you Focus on your needs and desires. You deserve to live life as you want. This is not selfishness as what you want doesn't hurt others or prevent them from living life on their terms.

Focus on your successes. Lack of confidence feeds on your feelings of failure and inadequacy. Remember the truly successful things you have done in your life. Reward yourself when you do succeed

Use visualisation to help you achieve your dreams and increase your self esteem!

Focus on your strengths. Use them. You will succeed if you are true to yourself.

Work at achieving your goals. If you do this your confidence will increase and you will feel positive.

Accept yourself for who you are. Learn to accept the things that you cannot change and focus on the positive things about yourself. If you have a mental or physical disability, learn to accept the fact that you cannot change it, and focus on the positive aspects of yourself such as your personality, your ability to be a good friend, and your ability to love and care for others.
Associate with people who are positive and supportive. If you surround yourself with negative people, your feeling will tend to be negative. Positive, supportive friends can help to raise your self-esteem by providing a nurturing environment for you.

Focus on your positive qualities - honesty, creativeness, unselfishness, helpfulness, communication skills, and your ability to care for the welfare of others.

Learn to forgive yourself when you do not accomplish all that you set out to. Everyone falls short sometimes, but rather than focusing on the negative aspects, learn to readjust your goals so that you have a better chance of meeting them. Almost any negative experience can be turned into a positive experience with the right attitude.

10-minute technique
People with poor self-esteem often fail to give themselves enough time and space. So find 10 minutes every day to be alone, and to just sit and do nothing. Some people find it helpful to close their eyes and imagine a country scene or the sight and sound of waves gently lapping against the shore.

During this 10 minutes, allow yourself to feel peaceful and happy. Enjoy this time. It is yours - and yours alone.

Accentuate the positive
Often we make ourselves unhappy because we go over and over mistakes we have made. But we can improve our self-esteem if we re-think the things we believe we have done wrong or badly.

For example, one of my clients has to give presentations at work. He used to mentally beat himself up after every one and stew over tiny errors. Now he writes an account of each presentation shortly after he's given it. He writes about all the things that went well.
He doesn't need to write about the bad things - they will stick in his memory and he will try hard not to repeat them - but he will forget the good things unless he writes them down.

So when you have a bad day, or something goes wrong in your relationship or at work, write an account of what went right with that episode, not what went wrong.

The results will surprise you - and improve how you see yourself.
List 50 things you like about yourself
If you're seriously lacking in self-esteem this could take weeks, but persevere.

You can write down your characteristics.

You can include things about your looks.

You can even write about the things you do. For example, you may buy a copy of The Big Issue on a day when you're short of money, or you may help an elderly woman in the supermarket when you're rushing to get your own shopping done.

When you have reached your 50 good things, keep the list somewhere you can see it all the time.
Next comes the harder part. Try to record one more new thing you like about yourself every day for the rest of your life.

Getting and giving criticism One of the areas that people with low self-esteem have greatest difficulty with is criticism - giving as well as receiving it. Both can be extraordinarily difficult.
Some individuals are demolished by criticism, but it's something we can't avoid.

Criticism is often unfair, and when it is we need to counter it by calmly putting our own case across. But some criticism is justified, and when we're sensible we can learn from it.
How to deal with criticism

Often when we're criticised, we're so hurt that we start excusing ourselves and rebutting what's being said without really listening to it.

Listen to criticism without interrupting.
If there are aspects to the criticism that are valid, begin by agreeing with those points.

If parts are unclear, ask for clarification.

If you realise you were wrong, say so and apologise.

If criticism is wrong or unfair, smile and say: 'I'm afraid I don't agree with you.'
It takes a lot of practice to feel and act this way.

How to give criticism
People with poor-self esteem find it hard to dish out criticism. Many avoid promotion because they can't face the prospect of being in authority and having to criticise others.
So how can you learn to criticise when you have to?
Keep calm. Make your criticism at an appropriate time. Don't wait until you're so fed up, you're furious - you're bound to make a mess of it.

Take some deep breaths, then try a technique called the 'criticism sandwich'. This means you say something nice, then insert the criticism, then end with another positive.
Make sure you only criticise the behaviour, not the person.

An example would be: 'Your work is usually great, but it's not quite right today. I'll have to ask you to re-do that report. I know it's unlike you to get things wrong, so don't worry.'

Say I not you

You might notice that people who are fair when they criticise tend to use the word 'I' rather than the word 'you.' This is because the word I shows you're in control and that you've thought about what you're saying.

All too frequently we don't say anything initially, which is when we should address the problem. Instead, we bottle it up until we explode. Then we use the words 'you', 'you're' and 'your' all the time.

We say: 'You're incompetent; you've missed the point; your work isn't up to scratch.'
These phrases sound angry and accusatory. They also show that we're not in control. And after uttering them, we generally feel worse about ourselves and our self-esteem plummets.

How to say no

These tips are just as handy when it comes to standing up for yourself. They're useful when you want to say no without feeling guilty. Just keep calm and use the word I.
Say: 'I won't be coming to that party with you.' Or: 'I'm afraid I can't make it to tea on Saturday because I need to go shopping.' Or: 'I'm sorry, I can't work late tonight, but if you need me to, I can stay tomorrow.'

People with poor self-esteem are always getting talked into doing things they don't want to do. It must stop if you want to value yourself more.

Sorry I’ve been off line. I spent most of August camping in Muker, Swaledale. Breathtaking scenery and an absolute pleasure to wake up every morning listening to a trickling stream at the back of the tent not to mention an abundance of wet chocolate labradors, cream teas and home made savoury pies yum!!!

Also been reading the recently published screw work let’s play book by John Williams http://www.screwworkletsplay.com/. Highly inspirational especially for those of you considering escaping the corporate world, changing career path or entering the world of self employment. The book includes many interesting stories about people who have turned their passions into their living. It made me realise how enormously passionate and enthusiastic I am about the psychotherapy profession and how fortunate I am to have found my true vocation. I know this because my work as a psychotherapist and consultant is always a pleasure and never a chore hence why I’m writing this blog on Bank Holiday Monday. Get a life!!!!

Work Life Balance

Work Life Balance

Work, life, kids and commitments - it's tough to juggle it all, leaving many of us feeling we haven't got the right work/life balance. Perhaps you're not getting enough time with your kids; you haven't even got the time to listen to your favourite tunes; or you want a new challenge in your life. You don't need to go the whole hog and jack in your job, although after thinking about it, you might decide to!
A few small changes can lead to big differences, banishing that fed up feeling and helping you to feel fulfilled.

The term work/life balance was first coined in the 1980s when people began to recognise that while work is an important part of life, it shouldn't dominate people's family and personal life, and that a happy worker is a productive worker.

The rising cost of living and an increasingly consumer society means that people are more driven to earn.

Supporting a family is more costly than ever with children becoming major consumers.

We work longer hours. UK workers work the longest hours in Europe, employers often insist their staff opt out of the Working Time Directive to work more than 48 hours a week and many companies have a culture of overtime.

Working patterns have changed as service industries have moved towards 24-hour services.

People travel further to get to work, and journey times have increased significantly.

More mothers go back to work and over two thirds of families now have both parents working outside the home which puts a strain on managing childcare.

This all combines to make many of us feel that our leisure time and interests have become a low priority. However, it is possible to change things and to take control back to get the right work life balance.

Strategies

Want to improve your work life balance?
Then consider these simple tips:

Remain confident in your abilities and your worth and realise that you have the power to change how you feel about your life.

Get away

Get qualified Get a new hobby

Change your job or your life

You may benefit from talking to a UKCP accredited psychotherapist outside your usual circle of friends and family. Psychotherapy and counselling are working relationships in which you are helped to explore and manage what is happening in your life. Key aims are to help you understand and control your anxieties and to find better ways of dealing with life’s continuing challenges. Examples include: integrative and cognitive behavioural therapy.